I Need Your Attention
Some might call me selfish, self centered, and stupid. But I say I'm desperate. He never looks at me anymore. He never asks me how I am. He only pays attention to the tramps he brings to the hotel. Everyday a new one, every night he searches for a companion. My company isn’t enough anymore. Things didn’t used to be this bad. If I think back to about 2 years ago he used to care about me much more.
"Hey little bruder. What’s up?” Tom asked sitting next to me on my bed.
"I'm okay. Could be better if my voice didn’t feel so exhausted." I smiled absentmindedly.
He stayed with me the whole day and took care of me. Not caring that he had other affairs to tend to. He only cared about me.
Those were the days I missed. But now Tom only cared about Tom and getting his women. He didn’t care about his little brother anymore. He didn’t care about if I needed him or wanted him around. He called me a baby because I didn’t want him to go out tonight. But it’s been 4 months since I’ve had him to myself. 4 months since I’ve been with him. Yes I'm with him every day but that’s different, that’s the time spent with the band. When I want him I want only him. Not Georg, Gustav or David around. I missed my brother and he wasn’t paying attention.
I had to come up with a plan. Something that would get him to pay attention to me no matter what he wanted. Something that would make sure he didn’t or couldn’t keep from thinking about me. But I had to be sneaky about it. I had to make sure he didn’t suspect a thing.
"Hey Bill... Are you still mad?" He asked walking out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.
"No Tomi, I’ve decided to get over it. I guess I was being childish. I'm sorry." I said walking past him patting his shoulder. What I really wanted to say was. ‘Yes I’m still mad you idiot! But after tonight you’re going to be sorry. You’re going to be begging to be with me but it will be too late!’ But I kept those words bottled up inside.
"Well gut, mein gott Bill I didn’t want you to be mad forever. But I'm glad you came to your senses. Are you coming out tonight?" My twin called from the other room.
‘No you idiot. I have big plans for when you return and I need to prepare.’
"Um no, I think I’ll stay in and watch movies. I have a headache and don’t feel like being around any drunken people." I said. Even though it was a lie. I didn’t care so much about drunken people. They were actually quite entertaining.
Tom walked into the bathroom. He was fully dressed now. In a black XXl tee shirt and matching dark jeans with his favorite Tom cap on. His nikes with a white and black hoodie. I wasn’t too fond of people that dressed in such baggy clothes but my older twin never looked better in his favorite attire.
I lay in bed and thought for awhile. I wanted to end all this pain. I knew that after tonight I could never take it back, I could never change what would happen. And he would forever be thinking about me.
I walked over to the drawer and grabbed the razorblade from the bottom drawer. I went to the bathroom and wrote ‘Attention’ on the huge mirror in black eyeliner. They would all hate him for this, and he would forever be in guilt. I headed to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I figured I would clean myself up before I did anything.
My shower was long and calming. I wasn’t afraid of doing it, I was just afraid someone might try and stop me. Dying isn’t my fear; living without his attention is what scares me the most.
Once I was done and dressed my phone rang. The first call I ignored. It was Geo, but the second one I picked up.
“Hello?”
“Bill! Bill! It’s Tom! He’s... Oh god!”
My heart started beating faster the longer it took for him to tell me. “Georg what’s wrong? What happened to him?” He was silent and just told me to come to the hospital downtown. I hung up the phone and sat there staring at the razorblade.
I ran to my jacket and ran straight to the car. When I got to the hospital they rushed me to urgent care. Tom was lying there, with all these machines plugged up to him.
I ran to Geo and asked what happened.
“I don’t know. First we were having a few drinks then he started crying about how you have been ignoring and avoiding him… Then he took a whole bottle of vodka and hopped in the car. He was… He was trying to kill himself. You should see the car, it looks terrible. They still don’t know how he survived.”
The rest of what Geo said wasn’t important. But Tom thought I was ignoring him, that I wasn’t giving him any attention. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings I never noticed him.
Just then I broke down in tears, I put my hands in my pocket and felt the razorblade. I looked at my brother who was still unconscious on the hospital bed. I knew what I had to do, I walked over to the bed and kissed Tom on the forehead. “You will make it brother. Forever and always, I love you.” I walked away and walked to the hall bathroom.
I locked the door and looked in the mirror. I stared at myself. “It’s not about you anymore Bill. It never was.” I said pulling the razor against the thin skin of my wrists; vertically because horizontally just doesn’t work. I felt the blood rush down my arms onto my hands. I fell to the ground praying that my soul and energy returned to Tom. I know it sounds crazy but I feel that taking my life would give Tom his. And I would do anything to make sure he lives.
Miracles can come true
Just as Bill’s life was slipping away, Tom was beginning to awake. Georg went looking for Bill while Gustav was watching after Tom. Just so he could see a familiar face when he woke. Gustav listened to the mumbles from Tom’s mouth. “Bill. Trouble. Hurt.” Tom repeated, the words only growing louder.
Gustav didn’t think anything of it. Since Tom had been out so long it could’ve been a dream. But Tom was determined to get his attention I the right place.
Georg was standing outside of the bathroom. “Bill! Tom is waking. Come on, hurry!” He yelled against the door. Bill was on the other side just barely holding on to life. He stared at the door with lazy dying eyes and cried. He wanted to see his brother one last time. But he was too weak to get up.
Georg began banging on the door. “Bill open the door please! What’s wrong, Tom is okay! Talk to me!” He screamed.
Tom reached for Gustav and pulled him close. “Save Bill please.” He cried. “He’s in trouble, right now!” He tried to scream.
Gustav stared at him, and then nodded. “I’ll be back.” Gustav raced to the nearest nurse. “Come with e please!” He pulled on her arm. Gustav wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing. But usually when Tom or Bill sensed something with each other it was always right.
He pulled her to the bathroom where he found Georg. “He won’t come out; he won’t even talk to me. I think something’s wrong.” Georg said looking devastated.
The nurse pulled out a large set of keys and unlocked the door.
“Bill!” Gustav and Georg screamed running to his body lying on the floor paler than usual. The nurse called for a doctor as Georg carried him to the gurney.
When the doctor came to the room they placed Bill in, Georg and Gustav were told to wait outside. The doctor came to tell them that there was no saving Bill. He had been alone too long.
Gustav and Georg cried on the way back to Tom’s room. When they returned Tom was sitting up staring at the wall. “Where’s Bill?” He asked coldly.
Part of Gustav felt like Tom already knew. Georg was silent. Tom didn’t turn to look at them. “He’s gone isn’t he? He took his life because of me? Because I couldn’t just talk to him.” Tom said still staring at the wall. There were tears pouring out of his eyes, but he didn’t let it change his face.
P
Tom wasn’t listening anymore. He was trying to sense his brother but it wasn’t working. He knew Bill was gone and that it was for him. He knew Bill took his own life because he believed it could save him. But Bill was wrong, Tom still died. Tom died the moment Bill’s heart stop beating.
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